These past few years have been brutal on my heart. It has been beaten and bruised with so many different forms of heartbreak, one experience after another.
It left me bruised right after I had rebuilt my sense of self with the crumbs left of me after having just been shattered from postpartum depression and a parasitic relationship, eating off of me as I was already in my hellhole. Another who lead me on with expectations, for none of it to come to fruition as I sat waiting and waiting, only to be exasperated with disappointment. Setting myself up with certain ideas and expectations of people and situations, just to lead myself to my own heartbreak.
I really loved all these ones who I experienced heartbreak after heartbreak with. I see now how they have been my greatest teachers in becoming so heartbroken, seeking love from them that went unrequited, to result in learning to love myself. To result in taking my power back by learning to value my own worth, and not selling myself cheap.
I honor them in my memory of the role they served as my great teachers in disguise.
After such storms had passed, I had moments of quiet to sit with myself and ask if something was wrong with me. Why did I keep having these heartbreaking, soul-sucking experiences that made me feel so powerless?
My postpartum depression was too crippling to deny, so I validate that dark experience.
The toxic parasite of a relationship was indeed in human form and too traumatic to make up, so I validate that monstrous experience.
Moving a thousand miles within a few months span to get back to a sense of safety and well-being - with two little babies in tow - was tiring as eff, so I validate that tiresome experience.
Yes, I realized that there was something wrong with me.
But it wasn't that my experiences weren't real, or that I was some wimp whining over hardship. It took all the strength I could muster up within to go through, get through, and overcome such challenges and traumas. To fight these battles for myself to learn how to survive, fall after fall, even as your adversary oversees it all, thriving in your pain and suffering.
What was wrong with me is that I didn't love myself and had to learn the hard way how to set up boundaries, how to be my own advocate against everything that tormented me and had me huddled in the corner, trapped in my fears and anxieties.
I went through my own hell because I swung that door wide open to be taken from in an already depleted state. Why? Because I didn't know how to say no, but mainly to be comfortable with saying no and firmly meaning it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I didn't know how to fight for myself. I did it for everyone else, yet did not do it for myself.
I didn't understand self-love, nor self-care.
I operated thinking silence was the key to peace. Yet, this way of operating was the very reason I was rocked to the core without any sense of peace. I put forth self-depleting efforts to give peace to those around me. But for me - Just storms. Consuming Fire. Hell.
But the hellfire did its work to burn away the layers not part of my true soul that was trapped inside. The fire made way for my soul to shine the light for me in my times of darkness so I could find my way back up through the char. To recognize the layers of ego, to then become softened with my exposed vulnerability and soul guiding my new way of being.
As I coddled my broken heart - all while still trying to juggle all these shifts in the weight of my responsibilities as a wife, mother, barely having just recovered from postpartum depression, and upheavals to my creatures comforts of any sense of my home boxed up and away in completely new living situations - I struggled with remaining open and decided - No. No one, not even myself - will rush the process I need to properly heal. This is my heart.
So my heart is in a temporary state of closure. And no one is going to come close to this heart of mine until I am good and ready to reopen. In due time it will be ready again. I've already been broken. These bruises should heal up just fine.
With LOVE. Always,
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