This one took me years to work through and past, to be able to finally leave it in the past.
So many layers to shed and eye-opening revelations of the pitfalls that stem from religious hierarchies that can twistedly empower those in positions of power and authority, to quietly dismiss abuse and injustices by turning their heads to which they are made aware of, or worse, that they themselves commit.
I had prided myself in being so devoted to this religion that I would liken myself to have been a nun for it, believing it was the true and sole pathway to a personal relationship with God. Yet to my own bewilderment, the religion's devotion was not reciprocated when I sought protection for myself from the wolf in sheep's covering.
THE PREYING
What kept me up at night for many years was the fact that I felt blindsided that I was being preyed upon in God's house, and worse, in my own family home where I swung the door wide open and even, as was my culture's custom for hospitality, made tea for the predator as he probably watched my turned backside as I was warming the tea kettle.
I was just a teen minding my own business tying to shut myself in my bedroom to study, working towards my goal to graduate early from my senior year of high school through Independent Studies, so I could move on into adulthood with plans to commit my time more wholly to religious activities.
He made his way in through my own family's trust as he volunteered to have Bible studies in our home with my siblings. He should not have had any business to seek me out as I was already very much involved in the congregation of my own initiative, even in a position of good standing being at the "forefront" that was determined by a certain amount of time dedicated in the ministry. But there he was in my doorway, disguising his interest as "encouraging" me, giving me upbuilding "brotherly" attention, and only inquiring of personal questions involving my associates so as to give me "sound" advice as he had "inside info" in knowing them personally.
As he was one in a high-standing position of trust and authority, both my cultural upbringing and the religion's direction to heed your Elders, had me sitting there frozen to my desk chair as he made himself comfortable on my bed across to face me and begin our one-on-one sessions. I did not want, ask, nor seek any of his attentions.
I was naive. This was my first real encounter of a man seeking me out with his eye on me. I did not realize it until he already made himself comfortable enough to step foot into my bedroom and I was not equipped with the tools to deny access or voice my discomfort.
After some time, I knew something was wrong when he happened to pass by for a visit and I was all alone at my family home made apparent by my sole vehicle parked outside, and he chatted for a couple of minutes and leaned in for a hug goodbye, and to compensate for my extreme discomfort, I gave another squeeze after the first stiff hug.
And so it began.
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was him leaving a voicemail for me to meet him alone to pick out flowers for his upcoming talk on stage. It set me off to seek protection from men that I thought I could trust to hear me, side with me, protect me.
They did not, he was one of them.
Who was I?
My crazy mother's daughter to be dismissed and waved away.
ABUSE OF AUTHORITY
He continued on in his secure, respected position in the congregation, standing up at his lofty podium, untouched as he even gave targeted counsel not to gossip about others and spread "untruths" among the friends. His attempt, along with other brothers who sided with him, to silence my truth. Using their positions over the congregation to direct us little sheep to uphold the mere facade of a loving, supportive, and just organization, not speaking any ills as it would cause division among the flock and bring the weight of reproach upon God's very name.
All of this, would be upon my shoulders to bear if I made a peep more. So I chose submission. I stayed quiet in my trauma.
THE TRAUMATIC AFTERMATH
When the "Me Too" movement made way loudly in society, I understood. I had my own just years prior. It's terrible when someone goes through this quietly and is dismissed, it makes the victim question themselves as if they brought it upon themselves. Fretting if they deserved it.
I turned to my close friends at the time, and all they could do to comfort me was to hear me out and just sit beside me, but I could tell they too perhaps didn't believe me. I felt so alone, so foolish, so scared, so untrusting of myself and others, doubtful of my story as only I stood for it, shameful and embarrassed, confused.. although I knew very well all the details that kept my story straight in my mind, even as he sought to twist it out that I was chasing after him, using the double-squeeze of a hug and me being starry-eyed as validation that I was some silly little teen after this man, I'm sure to his flattery. I never saw him in that way and thus did not lead him on with any interest on my end, he must have been disillusioned in the thrill of the chase.
After a couple of exhausting back and forth, "he-said / she-said" deliberations - I faced him together with the men I entrusted, to agree to just forgive and forget. I just so desperately wanted my peace and to put such an ordeal in the past to move on and away from such a man. We prayed over it and left it at maintaining distance from one another so as to not shake up the congregation.
Shortly after, I began dating my husband who held a position of good standing, just below an Elder, and was advised to be wary, as my standing was questionable due to this past ordeal. I then saw clearly what judgments they had made of my situation and saw that I was untrustworthy in their eyes, the questionable one, with the aftermath of having come forward. After all this time, I realized their smiles were leading me on with a false sense of approval.
LEARNED TO BE MY OWN PROTECTOR
I shudder a bit to think that I do believe I spoke up just barely soon enough to protect myself from further trauma of a physical assault. I could've been just one isolated visit away from being cornered and taken advantage of. That, I saved myself from going down the road too far by getting enough nerve to try and do something about my situation by speaking up.
I went as far as I did along this ugly mangled road, until I got to the point of growth to speak the eff up and do something to protect myself.
I first sought such protection from others, from the other respected men in the congregation. I sought protection from my friends. I sought protection everywhere I could externally, as I did not have the tools within me yet to know how to protect myself. It was by not receiving protection from an outside source, that I found it within me to protect myself in trusting my story, standing by it, and confronting my predator as loudly as I knew how at the time. It wasn't very loud, but it was enough for me to begin to see my voice as a source of protection, to speak up for myself as no one else would.
THE GROWTH
It left me anxious when dealing with older men. I knew and know that not all men are predators or up to no good, but it became a bleeding wound that continued to plague my dealings with older men in the years following to feel uncomfortable, suspicious, and unsafe.
As I processed the experience and began healing from it, life has handed me many opportunities to practice facing this fear and anxiety in my recent endeavors as a business woman that has multiple interactions with men in my current stage of growth. Men who have shown themselves to be respectful, patient, and understanding as I work through my nerves that I only knew from within where such nerves stemmed from, from my unhealed trauma.
Every interaction where I was able to overcome my own nerves and actually talk to the man and respond appropriately during the conversation, helped me to see the man as a person that I was simply exchanging information with and also not weighing myself down with guilt if I happened to enjoy the conversation and feel safe around such a man. I did just so with my interactions with women. I was able to remove the triggers of my own trauma linked to the male gender and particularly if being older in age, to just talk to a person because they were a person that I was engaging in conversation.
I am thankful for this once-traumatic experience as I now learned the inner tools to protect myself. I had gone to all these different men seeking protection at the time, but none gave it to me. Thank God, literally. For He was showing me how to now protect myself in being aware and vigilant to put a stop to any future situations from ensnaring me, but to also trust myself to have spoken up to defend myself even though in this instance it did not offer me a sense of justice, protection, or validation. Instead, I was treated with disdain, silenced, and removed as if to shame me into disappearing.
I could have allowed this to make me bitter at men, at religion, at speaking up and failing to be heard - but rather, I have seen how by healing, I am now empowered in the wisdom gained from it, my tools to now not place myself in positions that can lead too far down a path that will leave me in fear, anxieties, and potential dangers.
I'm no longer a part of that religion, but this experience served as another one among the other primary reasons for having made the daunting decision to walk away completely. To make the firm decision for myself to never be in affiliation with any religious organization as I now understand that being a spiritual person is not one and the same as a religious person.
I understand and do respect the intent of those who turn to religion as their pathway to seek a spiritual connection to God, or a Higher Source of Power and the Spiritual Realm, as that's where I myself started in an effort to fulfill my desire to be close to God. I still value the benefits of religion introducing me to the treasure trove of wisdom in the Bible, giving me structured opportunities of applying myself to be a serious student of the sacred scriptures, and also the sense of community and fellowship it offered - many of the dear individuals I formed bonds with at the time that became my sense of family I truly loved and shared fond memories with. But I now have freed myself from the confinements of an organization determining my own direct channel to be in tune with my true sense of spirituality with The Divine Source, or God.
So, I have seen and been directly affected by the pitfalls of organized religion failing to protect their flock and sweeping such traumas under the rug to be silenced - and with my aching heart I also know that not all will have healed from the traumas of their injustices. But, I share that with my own years-long healing, it has allowed me to see and understand the experience without bitterness, but rather to be grateful for the empowerment of such a lesson learned that once had me paralyzed in silence to now find my voice to comfortably share it. To shed it from holding my soul down.
May you never find yourself preyed upon in any case, but do believe that to whomever you pray to - you are heard, loved, and guided to find your way out.
With LOVE. Always,
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