I have spent a lot of my lifetime with a deep well of anger inside.
I felt so much shame about this, especially as I didn't take the time to try to understand it as I was busy putting forth effort to continually keep it at bay deep in my well. But I have seen enough of the effects on my children to snap me awake to work on this deep-seeded issue to process anger better. I have had to learn to be comfortable with the emotion of anger, acknowledging within myself of what made me angry, and validating that my reaction was quite reasonable for the amount of bullshit I would put up with from others.
I would stifle all the bullshit I would know of others doing to me and to others - or the bullshit in the form of a person operating in this unaccountable way that selfishly does not care how they affect others negatively - causing wounds, chaos, and stress needlessly. The bullshit of playing their games, doing shitty, underhanded things to get what they wanted or some other self-serving motive, to play others just to control and manipulate their power over them, or to play detective just to stroke their egos at how intelligent they are at finding out the lies. So skilled at looking for the lies that they are blinded to the truth.
I would take such abuse not knowing it was abusive treatment at the time and have such a rise of anger within me that got stifled over and over again - being told that my reaction was not valid and brush me off that I had anger issues. I was defined to having anger issues. This had me fear the emotion of anger, to see it as this terrible, hideous, monstrous emotion that makes you in the wrong if you felt an ounce of it. And I was so scared of myself because I had a lot of it deep within my well, and I knew it. I thought that if I didn't talk about it or let it rise to the surface, then no one would know what a terrible, hideous, monstrous person I was.
I was so scared to be defined by what I was not taught and did not know how to process, how to let it out to breathe and release it, how to be comfortable with what I did not understand as a normal, human emotion. I was made to feel that this emotion was not normal and made me feel as though I was an ugly person full of issues if they saw it come out of me.
Hell yeah, I have been angry because I was not allowed to be angry. And yes, it has resulted in years of issues I have had to work through to undo.
MY INNER CHILD
When someone would piss me off and dismiss me as a young girl, I would storm off to my room just to find myself a sweeping tornado throwing my own precious things about and creating a visible mess of the storm within me. I would sit there on the floor after the flurry of emotions and see what a mess I would make. And then I would cry, quietly coddling myself into my knees at how alone I felt, how misunderstood and invalidated I was, and how ugly I saw myself as with this mess to show for it.
Stifling my anger deep down inside of me only resulted in the anger coming forth in an extreme manner, turning such an emotion truly into a monster that was to be feared.
I would make an angry mess - my hurricane sweeping in with everything strewn about - just to pick up the pieces of everything to put it all back together again. My room was my peaceful sanctuary, and yet it was my very hell at those times.
I now understand that what we hold within is reflected externally in our physical world. We cannot create a place of peace, a place of rest, a sanctuary if we do not house that within.
I have learned to create my heaven by having gone through the turmoil of my own inner hells.
THE GROWTH
I was not validated in much of my most challenging circumstances or traumatic life events.
It caused a lot of doubt within myself, a lot of anger. To feel like I wasn't heard and never will be - simply dismissed, scoffed at, and even made into a laughingstock. It left me confused like perhaps I was lying to myself when trying to explain my truths, or convincing myself that I was just a stupid child who did not know what I was talking about.
I now thank all those who did not believe me, hear me, validate me - for it taught me to do it for myself.
I believe my truths, I hear my story, and I validate all my experiences for I am this woman who can stand on my own two feet even amidst a swirling storm today because of it all. I learned to find this within myself, to trust myself in knowing I understood the truth of a matter with clarity, and assert myself more confidently when it was deemed necessary. To recognize the source of my anger and be able to undo a childhood upbringing of damage to heal my soul for the sake of my children's present and future.
My children do not need a mother who allows my tornadoes to sweep them up with me, but rather - I am entrusted to be their protector from such storms that they may experience within their little souls as they grow. I am now gifted with the experience to impart how to calm such storms that rile us up, to be a pillar of emotional maturity and stability for my little ones.
I will continually work on my inner child issues so that I may gift my adult life to better the next generation - through my children living it on, and for their children - in building a better generation of healed souls of the future.
May you coddle your inner child and grow from it, shedding the layers not conducive to your soul thriving - and be one more healed soul to be the gift for the future.
With LOVE. Always,
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