In my search for companionship I've been drawn to other women or moms that are "working" moms. I admire their ability to juggle motherhood while working or having a career of their own, a sense of self-identity apart from just the label of being a mom, or like me, a stay at home mom where my life pretty much revolves around my kiddos. My inner ambitious woman aspires to be that kind of working mom with the drive and energy to do something that is just me, as a woman, while being a mother - all in one package.
GAGGING BACK TO REALITY
But I began to see that choosing to surround myself with those in circumstances that are an inspiration and admiration to me started working against me as I found myself striving to be what I know I cannot realistically be, now that I am expecting a third on the way and can barely get my head above my crouching knees as I am struggling with the terrible bouts of nausea from morning sickness. Some days, I'm just gagging away as I tornado my way to the toilet to heave whatever nutrition I tried to choke down, and all because some untraceable smell triggered my hurling reflexes.
As funny as it may sound, being pregnant again and trying to cope through the discomforts of pregnancy has served as a great distraction to remind me of my limitations, forcing me to quell that ambitious woman in me. It's re-solidified my contentment as a stay-at-home mom, really appreciating that I get to be home with my kids as I am sick as a dog these days, unable to do much more than cook up the meals to feed me and my little ones between my gag sessions. Not having to be anywhere, go anywhere, or dress for anywhere.
PRICELESS SUCCESS
So, I've been laying low, literally on the bathroom floor near a toilet, without the company of working women/mothers these days, and it's given me a mental break from me striving to be more than "just" a stay-at-home mom. The effects began to creep up on me, somewhere between the inspiration and admiration, feelings of envy began to stir a discontentment within myself because I looked at myself as not having more than my kids and family life to talk about. It wasn't that I was giving my working friends the green eye or looking at them personally with any jealousy, it was that it created this internal void within me as it started to probe at my desire to also be a working woman, doing something that gave me a sense of an identity more than "just" being a mother. I began to feel like me as a mother devoted to raising my kids and being their main influential figure 24/7 (which is the way I ideally intended to raise my kids from the get-go) was not good enough to feel complete within myself.
I had become restless that somehow I was not a success statistic because I don't have a salary or career to place my worth on some monetary scale.
And yet, since becoming a mother five years back, I knew this is the life I would have chosen and felt the most accomplished in gaining skills, knowledge, and insight into life itself. I would preach to my siblings that success is not based upon some "number" - the number of schooling you've completed, the number your salary amounts to, the number of people you've surpassed to get to the top... and now it was a time I had to remind myself of this that true success lies in your inner happiness in the life you have chosen and are living, it is knowing your self-worth and value as a person no matter if cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors is your current profession to the potential of becoming the CEO of this toilet cleaning company.
If you are able to hold your head up with dignity and carry out your work and life with integrity, feeling proud that you've accepted yourself as who you are and what you are doing within the very moment, then - you are a success - in being a person contributing to society in a functional way, just doing you and your thing.
For a moment, I had forgotten to apply my own belief system as I was vying to be like those that I strove to surround myself with, thinking that my admiration for them would enhance who I felt I was still potentially to become, and yet I found myself just feeling bad about the life as a stay-at-home mom somehow not being enough for me. I had to remind myself that this is the very life that I know I would not feel whole any other way or feel more proud of being so immersed in, as the mother to my children.
Contrary to thinking being a stay-at-home mother was hindering my development as a woman, it has actually helped me grow in giving me what I feel is the most purposeful work in life, raising the very next generation to be wholesome individuals, built on a strong foundation of character that will guide them to be their own successes for when and if I'm not present. It's when I remind myself of this task at hand that I remember no pay grade could fill such valuable shoes, nor produce such priceless results.
THE CAREER THAT PAYS BACK IN FULL
For some reason, not being a working mom doing "my thing" made me feel like somehow I am just aimlessly sitting at home, losing years of my potential as I am so focused on my world as a mother that I didn't explore my world as a woman. And yet, as I sit here writing this, I have just realized that I've unlocked my hidden potential as a writer, something that has become my mind-saver, my release, my interest...maybe my thing?! I would not have discovered this had I not had the valuable time being home without work commitments or running around on someone else's schedule.
As I am too queasy to be anything other than a stay-at-home mom incubating my hatchling for the next years worth of work to attend to, my limitations have reminded me of how much I really love and value my position to be home with my kids shaping them as they are shaping me. I could not imagine myself being any happier in a career that I've worked my life at than now being surrounded by those that love me back unconditionally because of the "work" I've done in being a dedicated wife and their mother.
No payment is worth more to me than being rewarded with a wholesome life filled with love and snuggles, and hearing the pitter-patter steps of my little ones running to me with the excitement that I've emerged from a closed door, the seemingly eternal distance of taking my 2-minute potty run. And I get to be home to soak it all up in this accomplished career titled: Mommyhood.
So, let's raise a glass to all the ladies hustlin' like a mad woman towards her dreams and what empowers her to juggle her many hats like a Boss-B... I lift my glass filled with sparkling juice, rootin' for my fellow working ladies and mamas. You go, girl!
As I go take a nap now.
With LOVE. Always,
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