It was the most painful and chest-grasping experience I've ever dealt with, just the mere thought of being in separation from the one who broke your heart. I experienced it in the most strange way I never saw coming or would have thought to entertain - I fell fast and hard, hopelessly for this person that I knew situationally, would never be someone I could be with and freely enjoy a clear conscience to love. It was the most heart-wrenching inner battle that I never thought I would allow my heart to become entangled in such a predicament.
Yet, as if it were bound to happen and shake me awake, I fell uncharacteristically and cosmically, starry-eyed in love. Going through the motions of falling hard, in unrequited love. Heart-wrenchingly, pitifully pining for someone who doesn't want you back kind of love. Pain.
So much grab-my-heart, can't breathe in pain ensued.
UNREQUITED LOVE
I was not attracted to this person in the physical whatsoever, and not in a demeaning way of lacking good looks or charm, just not attracted or my type. I even had prior interactions that didn't even phase me to perk any interest or attraction within me. I never sought this person out, and it was all cordialities when it came down to it. This fact alone in my experience, was key to going through the motions of having fallen in love, going through the motions of heartbreak to finally understand it for myself, and it now be a part of who I have grown through and past it.
It broke me down to live with my heart more open and vulnerable, because I felt it all and would rather this than living through the motions of life numb - lifeless.
But one night after mindlessly watching a heart-wrenching movie of two lovers separated, my damn heart seized up as I seriously sobbed myself down to my knees when it hit that I somehow in the vast Universe crossed paths with this person who represented a lost lover, but feeling like it was the depths of the frigid ocean apart. It was literally like a switch that flung me into a rude awakening with my heart.
I really did not believe in the notion of lost lovers, fate, and it never crossed my mind to be with anyone other than the one who I believed to be my one and only romantic love soulmate. I had that hopeless romantic in me, but didn't set high hopes as I was settled and felt quite content with my soulmate's type of love language.
This experience made me believe in fate. I struggled to snap myself out of what I believed was meant to be. But here I found myself daydreaming of this lost lover and what could be, how we were going to achieve the impossible and come together to battle the odds so as to prove that love does conquer all, and that he was going to be my knight in shining armor and I the damsel in distress to be swept up.. thus leading me to hopelessly pine away and long for something such as a simple touch that felt too much to ask for in the silence of distance.
It never became what my mind thought it was going to be, what I thought it was supposed to be. The expectations I set up never came to fruition in reality, leaving me a mess in heartbreak and confused at that time.
I created this notion, this vision, this expectation that would lead me to my own heartbreak that I had set up for myself - to then pick up the pieces of my broken heart all by myself.
REJECTION
When the heart is involved when dealing with rejection, it is a blow to your world.
You feel as though nothing else matters and everything falls apart as your tears drown out everything good you actually do already have, and all because you didn't get the one thing your heart desires - as it painfully, right-in-your-face, can't-escape-the-fact that it doesn't want you back. It makes you feel worthless, valueless.
And that's where the codependency issues surfaced to slap me out of my daydreaming. This is the wake up call.
It is not balanced to rest your happiness or revolve your life around a particular person in your life, or in some certain role you've placed them to be for you, in your life. It's selfish to place such a heavy, unrealistic expectation that someone else is supposed to be your world - when you should have your own, be content on your own, living your own. Rejection will have you face you dropping to your knees self, to then get yourself back up and work through the emotions, the pain, the heartache to heal your own heartbreak through love. Loving yourself.
But you will stand stronger for it when you gain your sense of self-respect and self-worth, to choose yourself because it became the only option your heartbreaker left you with. And hopefully by the time your heartbreaker comes back around, the healing will be solid in facing that person with the love you have for yourself to have moved on - with yourself. And happy. And wishing them the same love and happiness - without you.
LOVE SONGS
Oh, but how I now finally understand all the melodic, melancholy love songs in finding comfort that talented songwriters sung my heart back to healing. Damn, with all the heartbreak songs out there - hearts are a mess all over the place. I am in awe that they recovered enough to find the words that sing heartbreak in such a beautiful art form.
Oh my god, my heart swells like I can't breathe when I think of the pain of heartbreak. How does one find the oxygen in their lungs to utter such love lyrics? Not moi. I'll write, as you belt it out one sonnet at a time.
THE GROWTH
HEART OVER HEAD
After some healing, I realized it was a catalyst for me to live my life more by my heart, rather than by my head. To be open to life and experiences for there was so much more to actually enjoy, rather than just so seriously fulfilling duties and obligations. I would normally put my head first in logically talking myself out of risks, to stay in the confinement of my comfort zone. This heartbreak rocked me awake to feeling everything I was going through in an extreme, emotional experience to get me to start truly living.
I am now more open to feeling my life, relationships, and experiences.
CODEPENDENCY
It also brought an awareness of my codependency to the surface to become comfortable in my independence, as my own person, despite being in a relationship. I used to operate within my relationships as "one" and "we" when a majority of the time, my interests were truly my own and I should've been comfortable to just say "me" and "I" and not feel as if I was any further apart from my loved one. I wrapped my head around not placing my happiness in the hands of another, not needing a relationship to feel whole as me, myself, and I.
Being in a relationship because I truly like the person, enjoy their company, and we are both adding to one another's lives. Not with one another because we need something from them in a codependent manner. Not needing them a part of our lives because they give us a sense of our own identity. Not out of obligation or unrealistic expectations set up to be placed on the other. Letting us be us and going when we want to go.
DETACHMENT
You have to let go to begin the healing process. Let go of any ideas, fantasies, expectations. Let go of this person. When I was finally able to let go, I was no longer attached to this person as the key to my happiness. I was no longer waiting around or pitifully pining, even strangely seeing this person as someone I would never want to be in a romantic relationship with. It no longer hurt to see the person as my pain, but it also didn't hurt to see them with the person they chose to be with instead of me.
The healing took place when I finally saw the person in a different light that now represented my own heartbreak, having no romantic feelings nor holding any resentments towards this person. When I would face this person time and time again, I have wished them well without me with happiness in my heart by treating and thinking well of them, unconditionally.
It solidified the whole "love them enough to let them go" understanding.
It can be easy for this detachment to have you operate closed off to believing in love. It was hard for me to grasp how I could've once been in a pitifully pining state, head over my heels in love, where I thought I could not, would not be able to live without this person being next to me, to now healed up to not even want to be with this person in the romantic notions I had set up. To see that it was never what I would've ever wanted or would've worked in this type of a romantic relationship. This experience did teach me much about both myself and about love, and how it is the very key to healing heartbreak. I still ponder at times why I cried so much over this person.
SELF-LOVE
It taught me to choose myself by finding the happiness and love that I was seeking, from within myself. To respect and know my own worth by not throwing myself at anyone to want me back. To uphold my integrity and not letting my heart recklessly take the reins in ruling my actions in pursuing someone that I knew it would not be morally sound to be engaged with. For me to choose to want, me. I had fallen into a deep heartbreak because I didn't know my worth and would've sold myself cheap, willing to lose myself for love - all in the fantasy that this certain person was meant to be the fulfillment of my hopeless romantic ways.
Also in being loving towards myself, I'm choosing to be courageous enough to keep my heart open to love and be loved again, still in its purest form of vulnerability. I'm still taking the time to truly heal up, but I do know I will not remain closed off which would thus deprive myself of love in the many different forms waiting to be given. If only I remain open to receive it.
HOLD HEARTS AS YOU WOULD LIKE YOURS HELD
I have also learned the importance of being mindful in our actions with intentions towards others so as to not mislead them on, as when an attachment forms, it is like recklessly toying with their heart. It's only natural to flirt when we find someone attractive whether it be on a physical or intellectual level, but if you don't intend to follow through in caring for the weight of their heart placed in the palm of your hands, then save them the heartbreak in maintaining your self-awareness and self-discipline to act appropriately.
Hearts are not to be toyed with, so love others with enough care to not cause them the pain of heartbreak.
May you keep your cracked heart open to love - for there is so much love out there, and you will be able to love again.
In having been rejected of my heart longing for a deep romantic love, my eyes lifted to find an even greater depth of love to truly value. Finding that such a kind does exist. I know it exists not from some heart-wrenching experience, but from having realized it within me - within my soul. Find this Great Love with me in my article Great Loves.
See you on the moon.
With LOVE. Always,
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