In my Mother's Day Tribute article sharing my personal experience of suffering postpartum depression, I mention that the clichés of "no light at the end of the tunnel" or "feeling completely empty inside" does no justice to the reality of depression. These clichés are the only phrases I could find myself using to simply explain what depression felt like to those who just haven't been at such a low. Those clichés are a depressed mama's very prison. Prison.
TO THE BROKEN MAMA
I write this article for mamas out there struggling with postpartum depression. Whether you are at the onset of it looming over you, or already deep in the throws of its darkness, know that it's okay to feel how you are feeling exactly as you are, perhaps feeling helpless and just plain empty. Don't force yourself to feel any different, unless it actually makes you feel better.
I extend my branch of experience out to you for guidance so you may successfully navigate your storms toward healing.
1 | Talk. Let your loved ones in so you can release your suffering. If you don't feel up to talking, write it out like I did with journaling. It does wonders to feel heard and accepted by pages that don't react, judge, or criticize what or how you are letting your thoughts out.
2 | Embrace yourself as you are in this moment. Allow your loved ones to embrace you. As many hugs as it takes, ask for it. Bask in the warmth of touch. And be open to receiving them.
3 | Physical wellness is key to mental wellness. If you have to physically touch the locks on the house to make sure your nest is safe and sound in the middle of sleepless nights... do it, mama. Then, go hug your partner or cradle your sweet baby to get some much needed rest.
4 | Cry it out. Don't add more guilt to your already heavy heart. Be sad. Be empty. Be whatever you feel or don't feel in this moment. Release. Don't stifle emotions that may surface at the worst times, in the worse ways.
5 | These moments confined to the mental state of depression does not define you as a woman, wife, or mother. Don't freak yourself out that you are going to be forever bound to this prison. Use each day to do something that feels truly like you, something that makes you feel somewhat happier, or at least, well.
6 | Be grateful for the support you have, but know that it is you that must take the initiative to be proactive in your healing. Use every day, every opportunity, every spark of happiness to guide you one baby step closer towards feeling again. Pace yourself and know that healing will naturally come when you do the work to move forwards towards what is best for you. Don't place unrealistic expectations upon yourself to hurry and heal, rushing the process might do more damage in exhausting your precious energy that is already in depleted reserves. Nourish and fuel your physical body with healthy food choices and plenty of rest. You have your family to be completely well for, so take your time.
7 | Yeah, it's hard for everyone. But don't you give up by convincing yourself that you are a burden. Make this a part of your driving force towards your wellness so you can step back into your role of the pillar for your family once again. If anyone makes you feel as if you are a burden, perhaps you could take it as a lesson for you to stand up for yourself with who and what is healthful for you to surround yourself with during this critical time of your wellness.
8 | Shift your focus from your dark and dreary state of mind to try and be there for your partner or support system. It might help you look up to start seeing your world around you and how many blessings you can truly be grateful for, thus lifting your spirit. When we give of ourselves to benefit others, it not only uplifts both you and them, but can boost your spirit when you sense that you are still useful and needed, even at your low point. Take delight in your baby and/or children, letting their squeals of delight seep into nourishing your soul back to health.
9 | Reach out for support through friends and family to lighten your responsibilities or obligations. Don't hesitate to seek professional support and direction if it's what you feel will work best for you, the goal is to receive whatever healthy forms of support necessary for your healing. When you take care of yourself, you not only can then take care of your family, but find joy in them.. Let them be your joy and be your very will to heal.
10 | Be determined to heal and rise to be your best self as a woman, wife, and mother. Life will go on and start heading towards calmer waters and brighter sunrises, as long as you continue to make each choice towards the best that is yet ahead of you. Go ahead and crawl as I did to get there, until you find yourself standing atop the pile of rocks that will be the solid foundation of the woman you will become after all of this.
TO THE ONE WHO LOVES HER
This is also written for those who love this mama dearly. If you came here and found this article in search for understanding of what she is going through, then good for her that she has such a support looking out for her. Thank you for carrying her while her wings are broken.
Take it to heart as she opens up about what she is experiencing, truly listen and believe her, especially if it is strikingly out of her character. Safeguard and cherish that she feels safe to rely upon you during a time of her vulnerability. Trust me, the last thing she needs is another weight drowning her by trying to convince her loved ones of what she is going through as real, when she herself is probably bewildered.
1 | Listen. Listen without reacting. Listen without judgement. Listen so you can know if you need to step in to get her the help she may need. Listen to discern what might be best for her.
2 | Hug her. You both need it. Be thankful her body is alive and well to be held by you.
3 | Stay up with her during those sleepless nights. Cradle her to sleep. The baby won't mind.
4 | Then hold her tight in the safety of your arms again..and again..as she cries her heart out.
5 | Be her safe place to be vulnerable. She is not defined by this mental state that she is in.
6 | Be there for her unconditionally. Love her to want to see her spread her wings again and take flight in joy. Feed this mother! Nourish her physical well being, especially if she is breastfeeding your little one. Patiently understand that her body needs to be off limits for some time for healing and feeding.
7 | Don't give up on her. Most importantly, don't let her give up on herself.
8 | Take care of yourself, so you can take care of her. Talk to your support person or system and release the weight from your shoulders. I know it all feels heavy to the point that you may feel like you just might fall into your own depression alongside her, so get some breathing room to release in a healthy way so you don't take it out on her or the situation. Talk to her too, she may be in a gloomy mental state, but that doesn't cripple her ability to be that woman inside that can impart a listening ear with empathy and compassion for you. In fact, it might do her well to summon her inner qualities to nurture you, she finding that ability within her again to feel like she has something good and of strength to still give out, and in benefit of you.
9 | Reach out for support for your child or children. Many hands will make the load lighter and everyone can get the attention that's needed. Not everyone has access to a tangible form of support, so if you do, reach out so they know what you need and where they can offer the most effective help. They will be happy to be useful in this way and you will not feel so alone. Their support will allow you to recharge so you can be active in being present for your children, helping them understand what is going on, and to better support them with the effects it will have on them so they're not overly worried or being left to fill in the blanks.
10 | Trust that your support can lead to her healing to be well soon. I know it might feel uncertain that there will be a breakthrough when you're in the middle of all the fog, but you remember to take it one baby step at a time too. You both will experience growth through this and hopefully it will have forged a stronger bond in the process of knowing what you're both made of to have survived in togetherness. You too can be proud that your unconditional support led the woman, wife, and mother to be able to stand on her own two feet again.
My hubby was my constant throughout this all, but I did the work to truly heal and transform. He said his fear was that I would never be the same. Yes, just as I am not the same and for the better, you too will be changed through such a transformative experience. But by healing past this depression, you gift yourself the potential beauty of emerging as the caterpillar who finds her wings.
To the one who loves her through this, stay by her side long enough, and you will be gifted with witnessing her metamorphosis. Be her wings while she is mending hers to one day soar above with you again as the woman, wife, and mother you know she is within.
Every mother will heal at different paces and over different lengths of time, but the key is that as long as she is supported to take one baby step at a time towards healing... She will heal. I hope she will come back stronger to be another voice alongside mine, empowering other mamas that the light she is searching for is within her all along to guide her way out. The night is truly always darkest before the dawn.
I give you a burst of my love to send you off with your soon-to-be found wings, dear mama.
With LOVE. Always,
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