I think my life has been teaching me to find my voice by having it stifled until I am forced to vocalize, "Enough is ENOUGH !" Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And then I take a step back wide-eyed with a whoooooa to myself. Stunned that I had that in me to roar in my own defense, and realizing that speaking up can be the very tool to turn my life around for the better.
I have had to get comfortable with speaking up and believing, trusting that I will be heard. I have learned that as I am using it with training wheels on, the voice that utters your words must be used with care to be effective in communication to get your point across without being overbearing through the imbalance of our emotions drowning out our message.
THE CONDITIONING TO REMAIN SILENT
MY CHILDHOOD
Culturally in my childhood, there is a hierarchy of showing respect to your elders and if you're at the bottom in age... well, then you're at the bottom and are to stand in your place, silent. Part of showing such respect included mannerisms instilled such as no direct eye contact, listening obediently in silence, and any of your opinions that challenged the expectations or that were contrary to your elders were not welcomed to be heard or merely dismissed. To top it off, I'm a female where domestic duties should be my main concern in womanhood. I have elder siblings who would use this hierarchy to keep me down in my place with anything of intellect to contribute, as if their rank made them wiser and more-knowing, and yet at times in their way of operating within their lives, it showed otherwise.
I respect the hierarchy as it generally makes sense - the older you are, the more experienced you are to have obtained and be able to impart wisdom. Also, in I myself being in a position of an elder to my younger ones, I would want to be treated with the reverence due to me, yes, as much as my culture might have me entitled to respect, I do ultimately believe in earning and being worthy of respect.
RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING
Religiously in my youth and teenage years, there also was a hierarchy of showing respect to those who held positions as Elders, men in positions of authority in the congregation. A female can only advance so far in any position of rank or influence, maybe even settle with the "honor" of being the respectable, submissive wife of such a man in authority.
The abuse of power by men in authority I experienced in this setting led to me finding myself in my own traumatically quiet and dismissed "me too" movement. When I did find the courage to raise my voice to seek protection for myself, I was dismissed, written off as crazy like my mother, and removed from the congregation and sent to another - which did work out to be in my best interests as I was thankful to no longer share the same auditorium as my predator. But another time, another article.
THE WORKING WORLD & CORPORATE SOCIETY
In general society, especially noted in the corporate world, the imbalance of men in positions of authority abusing their power to belittle and demean females has been brought to light. It sheds light on the issue of females only rising so far as allowed and paid only as much as her likely male superior deems her worthy of receiving. But this can be applicable really to anyone who is in a position below them, to be held inferior.
This is not to be applied to the male gender altogether, as of course, one's personality and mode of operating, regardless of gender, is what factors into such imbalanced use of power. Women that are in positions of authority can also misuse their power to rule overbearingly, in passive-aggressive manners, or in an emotionally-charged directive to subordinates, perhaps even having targeted vendettas on their agenda to pit others over their adversary. Males just tend to operate in a more outwardly dominating way that contributes to the stigma that they are likely to abuse power, especially as such power strokes the ego to rule in such dominance to secure their position and image.
THE GROWTH
So after decades of conditioning to keep silent, the shedding and the courage to do so, began - to free myself in finding my voice to take flight.
For so many years, I was almost convinced that my voice was not worth sounding, that silence was the answer to showing respect and obedience. I operated in this conditioning that led to me bottling up my painful experiences, stifling down my emotional traumas, and suffered in my own silence by remaining silent.
I carried so much pain, bleeding internally from the wounds that I did not let out to breathe for healing. I took the blows of the hurtful behaviors or wrongdoing of others and absorbed them into my soul to take the beating, creating layers of weight upon my soul to carry as I did not want to cast such pain back out onto others.
I operated under what I once thought was wisdom to be the strong, silent type.
Too long I have allowed others to write the narrative to my stories. To define me as a whole by my few mistakes or faults they perceived to be against them at the end of the relationship. Too long I have allowed others to misperceive and misconstrue me in character, my actions, my thoughts expressed in trust, in turn they being the one to betray me.
Too long I have allowed others to use their age, rank, or status to hold themselves superior over me to stifle my truth. My truest fault was in keeping silent when I should've roared my heart out and held those accountable to be confronted, when I should have considered my own feelings and hurts before theirs.
To be my own protector, defender, and knight in shining armor as I had always given to them so freely, before even thinking to do it for myself first and foremost.
Thus, my blog has been created to help others, to help you, lighten your load by shedding conditioning that is stifling your spirit from roaring its truth and healing wounds so you too will be able to take flight in whatever way is needed for your own path of soul growth.
With LOVE. Always,
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