For the longest time in my experiences, I felt shame about beauty.
I naturally have an affinity and appreciation for beautiful things. Eyeing those perfectly-flawed details that make something uniquely its own, and enjoy wearing beautiful pieces of clothing with an innate interest in fashion. Not in vanity, but in a true sense of appreciation and recognition for all things just simply beautiful in its own right, in its own way.
FIGURE-SHAMED
I am a naturally skinny, slender figure. Can't be helped. Trust me, I even tried to gorge on cake prior to my actual Wedding "Cake Day" to fatten up, and not a pound more was added to my skinny bones of an arse. My metabolism ate it all up and put it somewhere.. maybe in my swollen pimples as a just turned 20-year old bride. It's been a contrary feeling for me as being "skinny" is readily more acceptable as "healthy" and the ideal for "beautiful" in form, and yet I felt ashamed of my figure as I was shamed for being so, especially when it was out of my control.
Females who I was close to while growing up with and had an impact on me with their opinion, would give me a complex by projecting their perspective with comments in a tone of repulsiveness that I was " too skinny", "skin and bones", attributing motives of being skinny on purpose, and analyzing my eating habits or food selections to confirm their jealous suspicions - but I began to realize the source was of their own insecurities about their own image and weight struggles. This had me feeling ashamed of what I now see as a gift to really savor and enjoy what I eat. My fast metabolism has allowed me to be able to freely enjoy indulging in delicious food without the anxiety that it would drastically affect my weight or appearance. However, as I am aging, I am being more mindful of what I nutritionally fuel my body with the effects it produces for my wellness.
As I had become aware of the body-image insecurities of that female, I would downplay and stifle my own spirit from dressing my best or doing myself up. Thinking it would make her feel more comfortable to be around me and in the hopes that it would attract less attention for her to look at me, to then put me down or feel envious, and thus treat me poorly - but either way, no matter how much effort I put forth to make her comfortable by being less of me, the results remained the same as the insecurities were projected from her same internal source.
I would heavily weigh my own spirit down with the burden of factoring in their insecurities first, preventing myself from being confident and self-assured to be my best self - when I should have been unapologetic for showing it, being it.
DIALOGUE SHIFT
Gratefully, one woman changed this for me in offering a new perspective in referring to my body type as "petite", and would also emphasize it gently with others, including with her own daughters. This was mind-opening and life-changing to break up the perspective that had weighed me down internally for so long. It dignified me in what I could not change of my physical vessel and allowed me to celebrate my skinny arse in all its petiteness.
Her simple way of redirecting the dialogue that I had of my body type was such an uplifting perspective. It was a step to boost my self-esteem and confidence with what I felt made me un-beautiful by the perspectives that kept me down in the weight of their own insecurities.
BEAUTY CREEPERS
Then, there were those weirdos (ewww!) who were bold enough to hit on me as a young girl. It always left me with a sinking feeling in my stomach and had me awkwardly strain a smile with a furrowed brow, and run a straight shot in the other direction and out of their sight. I was not flattered. I was still physically developing and figuring out how I even felt about my body, all while developing a sense of what beauty even was to me. So I was confused when those cat calls occurred that should've had a flattering effect, but I couldn't help but wonder to myself, "Is it my pimply face or my flat ass that so easily grabbed your attention?"
This created another complex to feel ashamed of beauty as attracting unwanted attention that made me feel violated and disgusted with eye prints all over me. I subconsciously dressed to be a dark-in-the-shadows punk-rock goth or as a tomboy preferring baggy or oversized clothing pieces rather than form-fitting or revealing outfits to avert any unwanted attentions. As I began embracing my truest feminine styling as a young woman, I did so in a subdued sense that still stifled the freedom to flaunt my pretty clothes. I operated dodgy-darty, uncomfortable with any attention.
As I am blossoming into a woman, leaving the phase as a young woman mentally and physically, I am coming to accept my beautiful as I am. I will occasionally get a genuine compliment, and I am able to graciously accept it and thank that person for their kindness. I now see it as a kindness to even stop me to mention anything that is of intent to simply compliment. However, in consideration of one's tone and my own sense of self-respect, still not all "compliments" are welcomed or appreciated to be acknowledged in response.
But - rather than darting away, I'm now more able to continue walking on as I was about my activities appreciating such a compliment without letting it get to my head to inflate it, but more importantly, in getting over my complex to not let it get to my head to feel grossed out.
SOCIETAL PERCEPTIONS
There's also the perception in which beautiful people are often sexualized. To be viewed as mere eye candy and someone to simply "hook up with" mentality. To win over as a prized trophy. It demeans rather than honoring the true beauty of someone who resembles a goddess divine with his or her presence. I believe that when a person is truly beautiful from the inside first and foremost, such beauty radiates outwardly as if graced by heaven itself in this physical form of an angelic creature.
So with this certain perception, it was also a factor in feeling shy and hesitant to embody my beautiful as I did not want to be looked upon or treated in a sexualized way. There is a balance of embracing a true sense of sexuality confidently as a feminine woman, yet not allowing the presentation of your beauty to be misperceived as a sexual trophy to be won.
THE GROWTH
It's taken me time to really embrace and come to love my physical beauty through self-acceptance. I am still changing physically, my facial structure and physical body growing with the woman I am maturing into. I am grateful that I am looking and feeling like the woman that I am within. I feel beautifully me and am allowing myself to celebrate this freedom to feel so.
I've got some love handles to grab onto and can fill out a structured, form-fitting outfit that enhances my now not only slender, but healthy figure. I still prefer outfits that aren't tight or figure-hugging, but I'm quite comfortable and okay in my own skin and skivvies when it comes down to baring it. I've got my stretch marks and flabby tummy from childbirth to celebrate these changes that it has brought to my body as well. But, I am a-ok with all of it.
I am no longer letting the insecurities of others have me stifle my inner fashionista and natural eye for prettying things up, including prettying me up! I'm not putting myself down, making myself uncomfortable, or toning myself back into the shadows for anyone to feel any more confident about themselves by me feeling less about myself. That is their responsibility to feel good from within, to get over their own insecurities just as any self-secure woman has had to.
Being shamed, is shamed.
It's the same effects regardless of what you are being shamed to feel bad about. Shatter this perspective and embrace all that you are in your skin and bones, for this is the foundation of your physical vessel that houses your divine soul. Don't you let anyone make you feel ashamed or any less confident of your beautiful.
OWN your own kind of beautiful.
With LOVE. Always,
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