Manipulation. Control. Self-inflated. False. Imbalanced. Division. Chaos.
I hope that is all behind and beneath you by now, for there are essential lessons for your own growth and empowerment to be had.
If there's a bright side to all this crazy, it is that the patterns of how a narcissist operates tend to be somewhat methodical enough to where you can see the signs and foresee what is next and where it will head. You can know how to protect yourself and avoid the detriment if you self-educate and are aware. Protect yourself by never placing your self-worth or need for validation in the hands of another person, for one who has the motives to abuse it like a narcissist will sniff you out by testing your boundaries, and then swoop in to engulf everything you hand them to your own depletion.
The scary part is when you realize that you let this person into your life so close to your heart and around those you are responsible to protect, lurking in the disguise of all the falsities of good they merely tried to mimic, which was likely all of the good qualities stolen from you. When you have awoken to the reality of who they really are and then beat yourself up at how stupid you feel for having fallen for someone like them, you then can't help but shudder at the thought of who else is deceivingly a narcissist, how many are lurking among and around me now, and why do such parasitic individuals exist right before our eyes, seemingly normal?
It makes it very difficult to pinpoint where their behavior is truly calculated or attached to ulterior motives because much of it is done so subtly over time to overtake a person's thinking ability to the point of insanity, and the narcissist will make sure your image and reputation is confirmed to be that of a crazy person gone mad..out of nowhere. They have the story line all written out and you were the chosen character to play along in the part.
1 | BE THE END TO THE CYCLES OF PAIN
The key to healing from such abuse is to rise above from continuing the cycle of pain to others when unconsciously adopting such toxic behaviors as our way of operating towards others. We will continue to only hurt ourselves and rob ourselves out of opportunities ahead, by being closed off to opening up our hearts again to welcome actual, loving and wholesome relationships again. To maintain hope that not all are narcissists and that there is much genuinely good people out there in our vast universe. Be your own evidence of this. Don't stoop to their level of continuing the cycle of pain by lashing back at the person who did you wrong, which we can do so by healing ourselves fully so we don't unintentionally hurt others. Remember, hurt people, hurt people.
What we feel and believe on the inside will make its way outwards as we create our realities by the way we choose to react or respond to our world around us, from our inner world. Find hope that escaping such abuse to gain your freedom means you can begin your path forward towards healing and all the better things that are yet to come, is enough reward.
I say this with even their benefit in mind, to leave the consequences for such an abusive person to the Universe to teach them the lessons they need and in the way that is best tailored for that person to hopefully learn and grow. Don't wish them more suffering as you could walk away learning compassion that the pain they caused you is only a glimpse of what they suffer inside. Be wise enough to know better than to put yourself back in a position to be abused, but be grateful to such a person for giving you the painful experience to motivate you to prevent and protect others from suffering such detriment through the lessons you share.
2 | DON'T BECOME THE NARCISSIST
Don't waste your precious energy to belittle them or the experience to feel power over them, as you would only be adopting their behaviors to allow the experience to now become you. Instead, divert your energies to do your inner work to heal from the abuse, identifying and purging any behaviors you may have taken on to remove them from your way of operating, so you can then empower yourself to have taken the lesson learned for your own growth of having gained understanding, training and strengthening your intuition, and now moving forward with wisdom to choose not to contribute to painful cycles from continuing.
Share your story, but do not do so on the need to "slander" them by spreading the ironically actual truth about who they are, because most likely, if they catch wind about what you are spreading, they are likely to be intellectual enough to twist it back onto you as the crazy one. Keep your own motives pure in simply sharing your experience to help others, not to turn anyone against the narcissist to then continue patterns of divisiveness.
Trust that others will also see them for who you came to see them truly as, knowing that they will likely expose themselves at their own doing. Whether they do or not, is no longer your concern. Your sense of justice should not be placed in a vengeful spirit of your own doing against them, but rather you moving on and forward with your new lease on life after freeing yourself from their hold. You already gave them enough of your attention. Don't look back. Don't dwell. As you will only continue your own pain by reliving the experience over and over again, inflicting that pain over and over again.
3 | COMMIT TO STAYING TRUE TO YOURSELF
When you operate as a person who is constantly thinking of the good of others and strive to do right by others, you give yourself the gift of a clean conscience that whatever hell you experienced was only a lesson to refine you like a diamond going through the fire, and not a reflection of who you are. It is simply a reflection of their own hell and inner turmoil that they tried to engulf you in their flames along with them.
Be true to your inner spirit that they tried to mimic on their surface. Honor your weirdness that they made you ashamed of. Honor your experiences. Honor your healing. Honor means - true acceptance of self, in love. The lesson is to be true to yourself evermore in your genuine spirit of love and generosity, being that sensitive, empathic soul that makes you beautiful and seemingly delicate. A narcissist will attempt to make them out to be your weaknesses because they used such gentle qualities against you, to break you. But they can actually be your strengths if you gain the understanding of how to wield them to serve as your protection, and to benefit others who can find the power of healing through your empathy and compassion.
Do not even look down upon them with pity, but rather wish them healing by hoping life will teach them in a way that is best suited for them to hopefully learn and grow too, to do their inner work to end their pain. Extend your newfound compassion towards them from afar in your thoughts through the understanding that most are narcissistic out of their own control as it is a personality disorder, or perhaps suffered such abuse in childhood to now have adopted such abusive modes of operating subconsciously. They just might hurt others unknowingly and out of ignorance because they simply don't recognize their deep inner wounds, or don't even know how to help themselves to end the cycle by changing their pattern of behavior and toxic mode of operating.
But, despite extending understanding, do not place yourself in a position to be stolen from and abused by them again, or to feel that you are obligated to hope for such a change.
4 | RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HEALING
If it brings you a sense of comfort, know that the karmic life lessons one must go through has a way of serving justice, not in a vengeful or spiteful spirit, but in the form of life lessons. Experiences in their own situations or events to understand the pain they caused to others firsthand, hopefully learning to gain the same compassion, just as you did, in truly regretting their actions by learning the same lesson as you have. However, they play the role that can teach one the lessons of self-worth, giving in a place of lack, setting boundaries, although it's rough and ugly to learn these things the hard way.
It is not your responsibility to heal them, to change them, or to hug them better. Your responsibility is now to yourself in healing through the inner work of self-love in honest self-reflection, to embrace the change within that such an experience has brought, and hug yourself better in self-acceptance.
You have the tools of knowledge and experience to choose to grow, to learn, to make it a part of your rebuilt self, rather than cripple you. The light in yourself and in your life will get brighter. You will gain clarity as all of this will make sense to you one day after you have truly healed. You will be whole again, but in a newly rebuilt version of yourself that you just might like even better because you are stronger from an experience that sought to break you.
And, you just may be grateful for such an experience in just the fact that you are still functioning and able to be mentally sound to look back on it as simply in your past now. However you heal after the trauma, it's just ahead to lighter days and you now know from my story that you certainly are not alone and can thrive.
5 | EMPOWER YOURSELF THROUGH FORGIVENESS & UNDERSTANDING
The lesson is not to beat yourself up for being so free and generous in your love, but rather understanding your self-worth in being selective with who to give it towards that will truly value who you are and what you have to give. To never give your power away in seeking validation of your value from anyone, but to seek and find it from within yourself. A true companion won't intentionally hurt you or abuse what you choose to impart to them, whether it be of a tangible source or your just in your willingness to still choose to be vulnerably authentic, raw and real in sharing yourself with them.
In time, you'll be able to thank that person within your heart for this painful, yet important life lesson in your own self-worth, to thus forgive them wholeheartedly, so you can be at peace as you move forward now with the gift of experience, wisdom, and empowerment.
Knowledge is power, and so I extend you mine. Wield it towards the good of yourself in truly healing, for it is only when you have goodness within you, can you then impart it to others. Choose to continue to be good.
You are stronger than the narcissist will have you think, my dear.
With LOVE. Always,
Thuy
DISCLAIMER:
Please keep in mind that this is my own personal experience of specific signs of abuse I suffered while I was engaged in a relationship with a narcissist, along with my perception of behavioral patterns adopted by victims of narcissistic abuse. These are the signs that I experienced that helped me during my period of healing to identify through my own research of the kind of abuse I personally came to understand. Although I chose to go through my own methods of self-healing best suited for me, you don't have to go it alone by taking your own initiative to seek professional help and support. By helping yourself, you can then help others. When you do what best works for you and your particular situation, I encourage you to empower yourself to go whatever route will lead you to true inner healing, for the end goal is to heal. I recommend that you seek professional guidance and advice if you feel you may be in an abusive relationship and are in need of help and support. My article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or confirm if your situation or person is a true form of a narcissist.
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