Narcissist abuse is a very psychological trauma and takes a mental toll on its feeding source.
Going through such a parasitic relationship is scary as hell in itself, but the real hell is working through being mentally well and sound again when you finally find the courage and strength to escape their hold on your soul, usually alone in the traumas of the aftermath.
Facing your own fears that you might be anything like the narcissist who reflected back to you the stolen identity they took from you - for you to appear to be anything like all the good they took from you. Which such good was really you all along. However, the abuse makes you want to reject it as it reminds you of their facade.
I have learned so many of my turning-point lessons from the abuse with such parasitic relationships. They serve as very impactful catalysts for soul growth in learning self-love, self-care, and taking your power back to thrive again in empowerment - but in the ugliest, soul-sucking way.
I felt as though I swung the door wide open for my soul to be ravaged - to be taken from ruthlessly and without any remorse. Thrived upon in my nakedness.
My fear is that I don't want to be anything like a narcissist and hope I have healed enough to be nothing like such a person. The fear stems from my understanding of such a psychological trip that I feel just as crazy as I can understand how easy it is to turn to the dark side, to choose to live in hateful animosity, to understand how they feel powerful in taking the power of others away. To see that they took all their pain and stayed in a consuming darkness, rather than dissolving it in their light.
My fear is that I am able to see them as a human, rather than the actual monster.
But I know I am not a narcissist. Such a person has helped me to know everything I do not want to be or pass onto my children's generation. I know the core of my heart and soul - my motivations, my intentions.
My motivations stem from a pure place of my love for others, unbiasedly and without a need for recognition or reciprocation. Looking out for the best interests of others and giving from my reserves when I am full within and have an overfill to give in a meaningful, beneficial way for the receiver. I am full because I fill myself up in knowing how to care for myself, how to love myself, how to nurture my inner well-being to be present for others. Not because I have taken from someone else to fill myself up, as a narcissist does.
A narcissist is considered to be a personality disorder, and from my experience, an extremely self-absorbed and self-centered personality that has no depth of empathy, compassion, or consideration for others. As it is a personality disorder, it is a possibility that we all can have the human capacity to be narcissistic or possess narcissistic tendencies that we must become self-aware to combat and choose to operative differently - operate better in a way that doesn't take from others to preserve or fill the self.
To choose to be more selfless, more giving, more loving, more heart-centered, more sincere, more authentic, more in balance and well - all to be one less hurtful, depleting, parasitic person in behavior like a narcissist. You can do and be all of this without the cost of losing yourself when you have learned the true skill and understanding of being self-sufficient in caring for yourself and being full from within, to then have an overfill to give out.
May you overcome your fears in educating yourself to understand in the light of knowledge, to combat what once held you in the dark of fear.
With LOVE. Always,
Thuy
DISCLAIMER:
Please keep in mind that this is my own personal experience of specific signs of abuse I suffered while I was engaged in a relationship with a narcissist, along with my perception of behavioral patterns adopted by victims of narcissistic abuse. These are the signs that I experienced that helped me during my period of healing to identify through my own research of the kind of abuse I personally came to understand. Although I chose to go through my own methods of self-healing best suited for me, you don't have to go it alone by taking your own initiative to seek professional help and support. By helping yourself, you can then help others. When you do what best works for you and your particular situation, I encourage you to empower yourself to go whatever route will lead you to true inner healing, for the end goal is to heal. I recommend that you seek professional guidance and advice if you feel you may be in an abusive relationship and are in need of help and support. My article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or confirm if your situation or person is a true form of a narcissist.
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