The term narcissist gets thrown around and placed on others to the point that it minimizes its understanding of the abuse being a traumatic, psychological experience that narcissistic abuse is very real, and deeply impacting to the lives of their targets.
If someone is recklessly throwing out such a term onto a person they are simply upset with, it doesn't honor the true experience of one who has suffered in such an abusive relationship. A person would not even be in a position to blurt such a label out, as the victim is usually in a dark corner keeping to themselves in the fear and anxieties of the world created for them by the Narcissist.
It's all too easy to label a bad relationship, especially if it is bitterly ended, as "narcissistic" to shift blame onto the other person. Blaming the other person as possessing qualities that perhaps is borderline toxic or toxic in a different way in which both parties involved are the cause of toxicity, and holding such a term over them to paint them out to be the bad guy.
In any case, a balanced perception derived from an education is of utmost importance so that we may honor the individuals who have truly suffered in abusive relationships with a narcissist, as such effects are detrimental for some even long after making their escape from the narcissist's hold.
DOWN THE TWISTED PATH WITH A NARCISSIST
Sparks fly and you feel as though you've found the one. But be swift! for just as quickly as you got sucked in, you will find yourself being sucked dry just as soon.
It's a devastating revelation when you find this person you gave your heart wholeheartedly and so freely to never had the same intentions, and in this worst case scenario... uses your very heart against you to manipulate you only to satisfy their own self-serving desires or to fulfill their agenda, all from the get go. Handing your heart to them on a silver platter for the taking leaves you feeling foolish for having been so easily fooled. Even when you get to this realization, it is twisted to where instead of blaming the narcissist for their deceit and betrayal, you blame yourself for not having known better.
In the aftermath of such abuse, you question your ability to make sound decisions with opening your heart up again to trust again.. but keeping your heart closed off only cripples your ability to love and be loved freely for your future ahead. The painfully abusive experience should merely serve as a lesson to now be equipped with soul growth in trusting your intuition that something with someone or a situation just doesn't feel right.
Narcissists are deliberate and calculated abusers in their victimizing, controlling, soul-sucking ways. Manipulating others to get what they want and have no boundaries when it comes to getting what they want, no sense of a moral code, and they will lead you to corrupt your character to be just like them. They will blatantly lie, deceive, cheat, or exploit others to lure their target into being played in their game, even to do their bidding as they hide back in the shadows. Inconsistent off-and-on relationships over a span of years, to which they will twist it that you are the unstable one coming in and out of their lives. And perhaps there may be some truth to it as you might continually go back because of an addiction to their abuse due to your own lack of self-worth, or you may be that kind of person who forgives and forgets out of an endless supply of empathic love for them, and they in turn will just eat your return up as they will never be done feasting voraciously off of you when you come running back to give more to be taken from. They offer in return a relationship of instability, inconsistency, emotional immaturity, and self-serving motives.
They manipulate the minds of others or their victims by planting seeds of ideas or false information to create stirrings of gossip that usually goes unchecked, essentially "muddying the waters" so as to make it nearly impossible to trace back to the truth of a situation or person's character to find clarity.
They operate in a facade by building an image of success, status, material wealth that mirrors their inner self-centered, entitled, superior nature. Their motivations are always to serve their own interests, but done so in a way that is a facade of generosity or self-sacrifice. They have a strong influence to get you to do things that go against your character and then make you feel ashamed of yourself. Despite this, we must own up to our own actions and behavior under their influence, holding ourselves accountable by breaking free of their influence, thus gifting ourselves with the ability to forgive ourselves to leave such mistakes and uncharacteristic actions in the past and learn to no longer allow ourselves to be so easily swayed by standing in our power to act true to our character. If you do the inner work to purge such adopted influences, then don't beat yourself up so hard and choose to leave such a mode of operating in the past chapter so you can move forward onto the next.
In this specific account of my rude-awakening experience with a narcissist, I had a somewhat close on and off relationship with this person as a child and into my young adulthood. She was someone that I still try to treasure the fond memories spent with her in my childhood memories. I have love and loved this person unconditionally with much of my heart and soul invested in her. But the most recent painstaking memory of her lasted a soul-shaking four months of her emergence back into my life at a time that I was in a vulnerable state of mind and situation, going through and dealing with postpartum depression. And hey, I'm not sobbing here as I accept that I got served a good dose of my own karmic debt that I had created with her out of decisions made from my youthful ignorance that had hurt her, but has now been repaid.
The experience almost shattered my soul and has forever changed me by catapulting me towards my own growth and rebirth like a phoenix rising from my own ashes that sought to bury me. I am grateful for the transformative hellfire now that I am able to look back at it as in the past that positively affected my soul growth. The relationship that I had was not romantic. It was with a person that I grew up with and had placed my trust and hope in that she was always "the one" that understood me on a soul-level and was the person that would be my support and confidante during a stormy phase of my life as I became a mother. Yet, she led me right towards the eye of my storm.
My dear, if you were guided here, take my hand and nestle beside me on my branch so that I may offer you soothing waters to calm your storms. The storms you feel within at the intentional chaos of another that sought to take and twist who you are from the inside out, has likely brought you to such a low until you have come here because you are likely a mangled mess in your stolen identity and depleted life force.
This article may help you to identify if you are suffering abuse from a narcissist or engaged in a toxic, manipulating relationship. Note that these signs - all or in part - are from my own personal experience that helped lead me to educate myself to understand that I was dealing with a narcissist, which greatly validated the painful and lonely aftermath that helped me feel understood and not completely alone. I hope I can do the same for you to empower yourself.
1 | THE STAGE ACT
A narcissist will put on such a believable show that they are an asset to society and stand for all things right, are honorable individuals, genuinely care about others, and are generous with a giving spirit. They might create a physical life that appears well to do blending into society as normal, and acknowledge it but with the utmost humble air. They create a mere surface facade that draws people in like moths to a flame, and yes, with the inevitability that you will get burned.
Yet, this facade that they deceivingly create on the surface is usually taken from the very ones who they strategically surround themselves with, ones that are actually pure and authentic in such qualities. Their skilled imitation of a person's connective human nature makes it difficult to detect what's truly real and what's merely an act as it so closely mimics normal human behavior. The key difference is that their behavior is exaggerated to a degree that results in an encroachment upon the happiness or success of others.. It's all a show built on a false, unstable foundation.
Fake. Vanity. Everything is to gain attention and admiration from onlookers. No actual human connection. Pay attention to the details in when and where they put forth the effort for mere appearances. When it comes time to put on their show in the public eye - where they will have an audience or will receive something in return - be it in validation or a twisted sense of loyalty purchased under the actuality of obligation. That's when they put on their best to portray this person who has it all together so they are applauded and ooo-ahhed over, soaking up the astonished sighs of their worshipers ( in their head ). But their everyday lives in their physical world will show the truth of their internal chaos. They cannot create a peaceful, nurturing external world when it is a mere reflection of their inner world.
2 | CHAOTIC, DRAINING ENERGY
I'm tired just feeling the stifling effects of energy vampires. In any conversation, whether it be short and sweet or a deeper heart-to-heart, you should walk away somewhat happier and uplifted, or when in the latter of engaging in that deeper heart-to-heart, you should be feeling more upbeat and deeply connected to that person. Narcissists tend to be, rather they actually are, self-centered and use one-way conversations to either get to know you and your innermost desires to gather the tools they will then tactfully use against you, or to purposely plant ideas into your mind in a casual way to sway you with subtle manipulation to lure you into their control to do what they want, but with you making the choice using your free will so you are fully responsible for your own demise that they are leading you to.
They will nonchalantly enter your life with such personal interest and care that you will feel as if you've floated on cloud 9 with being the one and only person you'll ever want and need in life. Pretty quickly after they sense you have been hooked, they will then bombard your personal space, time, and energy in a way that you won't know what hit you. Out of your own character, you might find yourself becoming consumed in craving their attention and lavish over-the-top compliments of how you're the best thing to ever happen to them, only to end the roller coaster ride as the biggest disappointment to ever happen to them. They are simply buttering you up and preparing you to become reliant upon their approval that will become purposely decreasingly sporadic so you will hunger for more and vie for whatever scraps they choose to toss out for if and when it suits their fancy. You will find yourself trapped catering to their every distressing sob story. They will ramble on like a bulldozer with dizzying intellect. You will find the suffocating effects creep when you notice yourself cringing at their texts, phone calls, presence...you will actually need physical rest and recuperation to be mentally sound and well to take the next conversation to heart.
Physical world is built on distraction, always on the go to physically expend precious energy. Not able to sit still in the calm, to stifle their inner fears to face themselves in vulnerability. One thrill to the next. Mental, emotional, and physical drain. Chaos.
3 | TARGETING EMPATHIC PERSONALITIES
Empaths are the extreme opposites of narcissists and are the epitome of opposites attract in the worst life-sucking way. Empaths give generously and selflessly of themselves with the belief that all the love in the world can heal and make things right, even in the most messed up of persons or situations. A narcissist feeds off of a giving person, selecting such a host that provides an endless supply to feed off of like a parasite, only to fulfill their voracious appetite.
As an empathic individual, I feel like I have to keep myself in check because a part of me still would like to believe I can hug my own narcissist person better because I know this person hurts others in the way they do because they are hurting inside. Yet I well know, these parasitic individuals choose hosts who just give, and give, and give because all they will do is take, and take, and take. There is no balance to be found between the two of them in this vicious cycle.
4 | TAKING PIECES OF YOU
They take the best bits and pieces of you and will begin to mimic your qualities and mannerisms, even creating a physical world that will begin to look like you. At first, you may take it as the saying goes that "imitation is the best form of flattery" when you are still in the "love-bombing" phase in which you are still suspended by their hand on a high pedestal. You might have placed all your worth in the power of their hand by now. And before you know it, as you get to know the real person beneath the mere facade of love and authenticity, you'll start to battle yourself with their underlying deceptive motives coming to light.. but they will have taken enough of you to mirror the best of you so that when you want to reject them, it will look as if you are rejecting your very self. So twisted, right?
A narcissist is not solid enough in their own sense of self to then have to take on the character of another, but on the mere surface. Imitation can only last so long although, as it takes more energy to be someone you are not than to just be authentically you. A person's genuine qualities and strength in character are usually forged through the intense passing-through-fire transformation of being tested through life's challenges to come out solid in the very core of who a person is. An authentic person will always act consistently no matter what challenges or testing situation arises before them, if they continue to stay true to themselves, honoring their spirit.
All a narcissist does is take..and take...then lift a finger or two to cast a meaningless gift to keep you strung along, whether in the form of material abundance or false promises, to keep you holding on and confused at this false sense kind of giving...only to take from you some more. In my experience, the narcissist will only give ( but without overextending themselves ) when they feel they are losing a grip of control over you to keep you hungering in hope that they will follow through as a heart like yours would. They may give you things of no value to them, such as used hand-me-downs or their unwanted freebies..or if it's a day they really feel like reeling you in, they just might actually go out and buy you a specific gift that wasn't truly financially sacrificial, perhaps even coming out of their host's hard-earned pocket. I might add that you might beware if it is a gift that is a splurge or of unique value, trust your intuition if it feels tied to something intentional that will remind you of them constantly so that they maintain that control over you in feeling indebted to them in your spirit of gratefulness.
They use material gifts to train you to twist your sense of loyalty to them out of obligation
They will give their gifts in a false air of generosity, thoughtfulness, or a self-sacrificing spirit, but more often than not, they are items that they would have thrown away because they had no value or use to them...so in a sense, they tossed such goods your way towards the trash can, or you. All while they take the most precious and valuable from you.. You - and the essence of your spirit. Mimicking you in your qualities, mannerisms, and personality so that as you begin to realize who they actually are, you'll want to reject them and run away from such a parasitic person, but by the time you realize this, they are seemingly like a clone of you so it feels twisted like you are now rejecting all the best parts of yourself.
5 | TARGETING THE HEART
The devil is in the details. If they come to know of what makes your heart happy, they will make sure to directly crush those dreams within the same moment, or put you down so you don't have it in you to muster up that happiness. You become trained to stifle any of your happiness or personal victories worth jumping for joy in, so you avoid having to be reprimanded by them at how ridiculously arrogant you're being for such a small, insignificant success. If you could even call that success, they've done far better they'll have you know. Out celebrating your milestone anniversary? Shut down. Basking in a job well done that finally gets acknowledged? Shut down. You're suffering through depression? So sorry, but don't you know they are recently going through, oh... just another one of their more important problems that they so happen to created for themselves?
The narcissist will learn your deepest heart's desire...only to use it against you. They will mirror your desires to be what you want, so that they ultimately get what they want. They don't act without a self-serving purpose. They will turn your best qualities into something you then are made to feel ashamed of, brushing you off or deliberately getting others to join in on making fun of your fears, reactions, or uniqueness. They'll have you get attached to a certain promise or offer extended, only to pull the rug out from under you.
You will be strung along so far along to where you will find yourself too invested that it feels impossible to break free to do what is right for your stifled soul. So you give up on yourself by emotionally detaching to numb the pain in your heart, do as you're told as they suck you and your resources dry, and play the role of their partner that they have trained you to be, and they in turn will gift you with a fragile picture-perfect life your heart wanted. They will place credit on themselves that you and your dreams would be nothing without them.
I can't say for sure that they are always on the lookout for opportunities to take from others, but should the opportunity present itself, it's to be expected that they will be the first to take. They will do so in such a sly manner where they might give you an option, but make sure they assert that they have the final say in what you really end up with. Savoring your reaction of any inkling of disappointment that they could stir up within you. They create these petty little disappointments for you, that when you relay your experience with all the details of how they slighted you, you then sound like the petty one.
6 | PSYCHOLOGICAL TRIPS
Oh god, I hope you have a sound head on your shoulders cause it's all about mind games. Confusion. Chaos. Denials. Lack of accountability. Gaslighting all deliberately to make you feel as if you are going mad to the point that you will convince yourself that you must be the crazy one. They are subtle in planting petty slights to observe your reaction. Anywhere where they can take from you seemingly undetected to savor your disappointment, they will.
They lack true empathy and compassion, and will turn your traumatic experiences and struggles into your flaws and weaknesses as a person. They will make you out to be the unstable one, when you are only unstable in their energy by reacting to their provocations. They will use your reactions to their abuse as opportunities to call attention onto you "wiggin' out" to deflect from their behavior as the source cause of your reactive behavior.
In my experience, they will create a sense of fear and anxiety within in you with a crude and violent sense of humor. To laugh at the pain or downfall of others so as to feel that much more powerful and better over others.
7 | MANIPULATION & CONTROL TACTICS
They will try to get you attached to something that only they can seemingly give you so they can make you feel obligated to them in gratitude. They will extend an overflow of what seems to be sincere and loving support, but it's all a smothering of words with no follow-through. They've been intelligent enough to have chosen a capable and independent target who wouldn't take them up on any of the offers. They will suck you dry of your resources as they merely mimic reciprocal generosity with their meaningless words. As the saying goes that talk is cheap, and their actions usually don't line up to their talk...unless they somehow benefit in that moment or the act can be used as a future collateral card to be whipped out on you the next time they do you wrong and are to be held accountable.
They will make up some blatant lie if need be for why they just couldn't follow through, inconsiderate of the expectation they've set you up with and likely left you in a pickle, and quickly shift the blame to your unreasonable reaction for not being more understanding that people make mistakes or have a life crisis and how the world does not revolve around you to be reacting the way that you are. They may offer apologies, yet the patterns of excuses will say otherwise as they continue to leave a trail that never leads anywhere in your best interests to have kept their word to you.
What's the most deceiving tactic they do is to act as a safe place for you to spill your deeply personal experiences that have resulted in traumatic wounds or healed scars, only to use it to make you appear weak for being so deeply affected. When it comes time to hold them accountable for being one inflicting such wounds, they will brush you off as if you are still a victim to your past in having a distorted understanding that everyone and everything is against you. But don't you let them make you forget, it's those past abusive experiences that now equip you to recognize this narcissists' abusive ways in the present.
8 | PROJECTION
Whatever a person speaks most frequently about, is an indication of what fills their mind and gives insight into their perception, which is not usually one of reality for a narcissist. They usually have an inflated sense of importance, a competitive and divisive spirit, vainly obsessed with their own appearance and that of others, and speaks and acts off of jealousy due to their deep-rooted insecurities. They hide all of this very well by appearing quite the opposite on the outside and when things just don't work out with a person, they splash the blame onto that person to release themselves from accountability of facing what they themselves actually are.
Usually, whatever perception they are trying to place on their target's image or reputation, it might serve you well to see that their perception is not based on truth, but rather of their own perception of things based on who they actually are or what they actually think and may carry out to do. For example, if they are accusing a person of being deceptive or a cheater when this person is not and has no signs or evidence of being so, the narcissist is the one projecting themselves onto others as they are most likely doing the cheating - whether it be emotionally or physically be it with another person or even to an addiction - and does so unapologetically, usually excusing the behavior.
They will twist your best qualities of being a sensitive soul attuned to the feelings and energies of others around you, into something that makes you feel ashamed like you are a fragile, easily offended individual. But it has been you all along that was carefully walking on eggshells around them. It is a beautiful thing to be sensitive soul as it takes great inner strength to know when and how to respond to others, rather than how a narcissist reacts to be the one finding offense due to their fragile, eggshell egos.
Another scapegoat. Another tale of woe.
9 | TALE OF WOE
Notice how they've always got someone to blame for their problems? Listen closely to them as they play the role of the victim. They will always have their target to blame for their issues and for having been wronged. You will feel for them and empathize with them. You will begin to hate who they hate and determine such person(s) are now deemed your enemy, regardless if you even know them or might never even meet them personally. Should you ever meet the person they have been "victimized" by, you will only see the person through the eyes of the narcissist, dismissing your intuition that the physical meeting does not line up with the ugly picture that had been painted. You won't think twice about letting the slandered one a chance to speak their truth to clear their name. And the narcissist will stand back in their "power" with a smirk on their face that they've gained a small victory. The pain and wrongdoing they cause brings them internal, twisted joy.
If you find yourself their avid listener, logic may have you asking how so much "deeply hurtful" wrongdoing could be done to a person that yet expresses it so cool and collectedly? You'll soon find yourself wondering: "Wait a minute, how is it that everyone seems to have done this person wrong somehow? Whoa..what must I have done wrong that they are vocalizing to others in their two-faced manner about me?"
Don't be fooled as they are the creators and the very source of their own issues, even using their victim's reaction as a distraction to escape accountability for having been the instigator of a conflict that rightly called for a reaction from their target. They create chaos, drama, and division to deflect from their own chaos, drama, and division within. They create so much chaos so that others cannot see the truth with clarity, purposely stirring and riling up internal storms to drain the energy of their listener so you have no choice but to give in and allow the abuser's thoughts to cloud out your own thinking ability.
10 | SLANDER AND GOSSIP
If they no longer have access to your physical world or space, they will then exert energy to slander your name or reputation to maintain that sense of control over you by the way others, who usually don't even know you, adopt their projected negative perception of you. They find victory over you by gathering their following in controlling how others see you.
From their inner chaos, they will keep stirring the pot to taint your image in hopes that the ones they successfully infect will continue to spread such chaos. Think about it, when a person is joyful and truly at peace within themselves, they not only radiate with such an aura, but also want to share that with others. So, the saying "misery loves company" applies in parallel to a person's negative perception of others or of their experiences. If a person is always shedding others in a negative light, what does that really mirror about how they see and feel about others and themselves on the inside? How can a person that is miserable and unhappy inside wish another person happiness when they don't possess it within to impart?
Operate in your integrity to be everything they are truly not: honest, upright, moral, kind, generous, loving, grateful, self-sacrificing ( in the balanced sense of it! ). For staying true to your character will serve as your protection from their slander where you can gift yourself a clean conscience that no matter what deceptive light they try to perceive you as to others, you will always know who you truly are and have been.
Eventually, it won't even matter to you what they or their followers think of you. Who would want to be a part of those whose twisted sense of loyalty is founded on a common enemy, with the eventuality that they will easily turn on one another? And the upside is that those who are true and wise enough to know who you are will stick around loyal by your side, and the foolish will weed themselves out of your space in following the slanderer.
In a positive light, if you are made out to be their enemy, it is usually a good thing as they will hate you because either you are:
1 | Someone they could not successfully overpower and control, or
2 | You know who they truly are beneath the facade built on imitation, and have taken your power back to cut them off from feeding off of you, or
3 | Equipped with the power of wisdom to protect yourself against their manipulative tactics.
You can pat yourself on the back that you have inner strength and the right dose of self-worth to have stood up for yourself through your thinking ability and intuitive guidance. By walking away from such an abusive relationship, you take back your power, your identity, and your self-respect to leave their small world of hell that they tried to keep you entangled and entrapped in with them.
Now that you have identified if you have endured the effects of narcissistic abuse, you will need healing for your spirit. Here I impart my article on 10 Ways To Heal From Narcissist Abuse.
May you heal, so that you may live stronger in your sense of self.
With LOVE. Always,
Thuy
DISCLAIMER:
Please keep in mind that this is my own personal experience of specific signs of abuse I suffered while I was engaged in a relationship with a narcissist, along with my perception of behavioral patterns adopted by victims of narcissistic abuse. These are the signs that I experienced that helped me during my period of healing to identify through my own research of the kind of abuse I personally came to understand. Although I chose to go through my own methods of self-healing best suited for me, you don't have to go it alone by taking your own initiative to seek professional help and support. By helping yourself, you can then help others. When you do what best works for you and your particular situation, I encourage you to empower yourself to go whatever route will lead you to true inner healing, for the end goal is to heal. I recommend that you seek professional guidance and advice if you feel you may be in an abusive relationship and are in need of help and support. My article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or confirm if your situation or person is a true form of a narcissist.
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